Anne Lister's Sexual Stories

This section uses Listers discussion with Barlow of her sexual history to lay out both that history and the context in which she shares it, and how that reflects the progression of the Barlow romance. Some of the filtering of the information is marked by how Lister describes her sharing as “the story,” “nearly the whole story,” “nearly the real story,” and similar qualifications. “Story” did not imply a fiction but simply referred to a communication. Such stories were shared with a gradation of specificity. Usually an initial version withheld any clear indication of the person involved, referring simply to “a friend,” but perhaps later adding specifics that allowed Barlow to connect the events with the names she knew from non-sexual stories. Lister sometimes referred to her “three favorites” (most likely Eliza Raine, Mariana, and Isabella Norcliffe) but also discussed sexual relations with others beside these.

This intimate sharing began in mid October when Barlow acknowledged Lister’s courtship of her. In the journal, Lister refers to her affairs as “my gaieties” and similarly ambiguous language is used. Lister sometimes worried that she had been too open, and when de Boyve caused her to have doubts about Barlow’s character around the end of October, the sharing cooled for a while. But Lister’s explicitness gradually returned by mid November, when she had resolved to take Barlow’s side in the dispute.

The earliest story was of her boarding school romance with Eliza Raine, her “first and best and dearest love,” beginning when she was 14. Lister notes of this, “I had had no theory till of late years, it was all practice.” That relationship continued for eight years, well past their school days, with visits and a plan to “go off together.” But Lister’s inconstancy – flirting with other girls – caused problems. Lister presented this to Barlow with a claim that she was more settled now. [Note: Although you certainly couldn’t tell that from her behavior!] She still remembered Eliza fondly, claiming that if Eliza could be cured of her insanity (she was institutionalized in her mid-20s) the two would get back together.

It is likely that Lister first met Mariana through Mariana’s brother, who was treating Eliza. It became an uneasy triangle, for Eliza disliked Mariana, but ceded her place to her. (Barlow, in turn, clearly was not impressed by Mariana, from what she learned of her.)

Lester and Mariana became lovers a year or so before the latter’s marriage, but even setting aside the obvious, there were several barriers to the two being able to share their lives. Money was the biggest problem. Even though Lister’s brother had recently died, making her the heir (and relieving her of the obligation to marry for her own future support), she had no substantial income of her own at that point – not enough to live independently, and certainly not enough to support a partner.

Yet when Mariana received a proposal of marriage from Charles Lawton, Lister believed the two women had an agreement that she would not accept it. She felt betrayed when the proposal was accepted and the marriage arranged during a brief period when Lister was away on a visit. In this context, Lister made it clear to Barlow that she would not accept a similar situation if Barlow felt inclined to accept her male suitor’s proposal.

After Mariana’s marriage, Lister and Mariana’s sister Anne Belcombe resided with the newlyweds for half a year. [Note: As described by Smith-Rosenberg (1975), this was not at all an unusual arrangement at that time.] (More on Anne Belcombe later.)

During this period, Lister developed a very negative opinion of Lawton because of his extramarital affairs, including with household servants. She and Lawton quarreled about it and an exchange of harsh letters marked the end of anything resembling amicable relations. It also put an end to Lister visiting their home for some years, though she and Mariana are met in other locations.

Lister was very conflicted over her continuing attachment to Mariana. Being romantic herself, she didn’t understand how Mariana could have married, if love weren’t involved, but if Mariana loved her husband, why did she continue to maintain a bond with Lister? And that bond had formal aspects: they had exchanged rings and sworn that if Mariana became a widow they would live together. Lister considered herself “engaged” despite her regular affairs with other women, and Barlow seemed to understand that this was a loose end that could be a problem for her own potential commitment to Lister. Lister several times lamented about the possibility of refusing a more suitable partner in favor of the “shadow” of a possible future with Mariana.

Lister’s stories to Barlow also included the affair with Mariana’s sister Anne, who had also stayed in the Lawton household for a while after the marriage. Evidently Lister was the one being pursued this time, after initially disliking her. Anne Belcombe would come to her bedroom and stay till all hours “amusing [her]self” and offering a “curious present” made from her pubic hair. The affair lasted a few months at that time. [Note: I believe there were additional encounters later, but this is based on how it was related to Barlow.]

Another more extensive courtship was related, with a Miss Browne, who was given a special nickname and crypt hand symbol in the journals. The matter never went further than a kiss, but Lister proposed that they live together. Miss Browne refused, citing the difference in their stations. [Note: In the journal entries from that time, Lister spills a lot of ink on how vulgar Miss Browne’s friends and relations are and how loath she is to invite them to Shibden.]

Another serious relationship shared with Barlow was the one with Miss Vallance, which overlapped the end of the time with Miss Browne. Lister presents Vallance as having been the pursuer at first, which she considered surprising as Vallance had been engaged twice. [Note: This suggests a theory of exclusive sexual orientation on Lister’s part, although she may simply be projecting her own attitude.] Vallance was more her equal in class and was financially sound. Lister clearly still had erotic feelings for her, noting on several occasions that she was thinking of her when she “incurred a cross.” She suggested to Barlow that if they didn’t work out, she might approach Vallance again – though this may have been a ploy to inspire jealousy. Vallance was one of the limited insiders to whom Lister gave the key to the crypt hand. Their relationship was sexual, though Lester only implied this to Barlow, without stating it outright. (There are multiple points in the “stories” where Lister notes details that were withheld from the versions Barlow heard.)

Barlow sometimes expressed her anxiety about the history Lister was sharing with her. One occasion when this is documented was when Lister shared her history with Isabella Norcliffe: how they had first had sex due to Lister “having been made tipsy,” and how Isabella regularly teased Lister about all her lovers, and how she could sometimes say inappropriate things in public. But Isabella primarily figured in discussions with Barlow in terms of friendship and news from home, rather than in a romantic context.

Orr’s discussion of Isabella segues back to the question of Lister’s commitment to Mariana. Isabella had told Lister that Mariana’s marriage had nullified any commitment between them. But when this was relayed to Mariana, it precipitated a demand that Lister renew their commitment. Lister had resisted, considering their original commitment to still hold, but eventually she agreed to participate in a marriage-like ceremony with her – one that she told Barlow she repented of. [Note: One wonders how much impact this had on Barlow’s hesitation to commit herself fully to Lister.]

In late November, Lister shared the details of her venereal disease. Barlow was able to recommend one of the doctors Lister saw for treatment, so the candor was quite useful. Barlow had clearly been aware of Lister’s condition before being told. Although Lister didn’t identify the “lady” she had contracted it from, she was at pains to make clear that she herself had not had connection with the sort of “low” person who had that sort of infection, but that it came through a man’s infidelities at second hand. But these details weren’t shared until very near when Lister was to leave Paris. At that time, she related more details of her relationship with Mariana, only omitting that their sexual relationship continued after Mariana’s marriage. This sharing included the break due to “the three steps” and Mariana’s indication that she would take her back if she would make her “figure and appearance more like other people.” At which Lister protested “then I should be different altogether.” Mariana had come to be embarrassed by Lister’s eccentricities but Lister was not willing to compromise them.

The section ends with a summing up of how these stories shared with Barlow map out her own understanding of her sexuality and how it had evolved. But the patchwork of information provided and withheld also maps out how she wanted to present herself in the context of exploring the possibilities for a relationship with Barlow.